guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
