I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
