Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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