I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
