Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
