3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
