She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
