Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
