i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
