Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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