I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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