her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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