Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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