I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
