I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
