..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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