the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
