Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
