My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need water and some morals
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
