I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
