dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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