I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
