Having a random hookup so left but love u
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
