3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
