Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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