the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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