the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
time to smoke my breakfast
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
me + whiskey = a bad person
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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