I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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