We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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