if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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