We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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