I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
