I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
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Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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