guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
