I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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