i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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