I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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