so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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