I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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