There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.