so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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