ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
