dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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