the condom got lost in my hair
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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