Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
the raccoons are back...
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