Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
