wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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