the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
