just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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