I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
