Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
