Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
