Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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