you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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