do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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