he puts the penis in happiness.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
