you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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