I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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