hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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